Friday, August 3, 2012

Trust

I would say the worst thing that has happened to me over the years is I have lost all trust for anyone.  I have very few friends mainly because there are so many that break my trust.  I want to trust people and believe them, but to be honest especially after the last couple months I don't feel like I can trust anyone.  People that have been close to me, who I have opened up to have broken my trust too many times.  People laughing at me behind my back, betraying me, backstabbing me, sometimes I feel naive or dumb for continuing to trust people.  I am always going to believe that there is something good about every person, but do I believe that every person will be good to me.....no, in fact to be honest I don't feel like many people have considered my feelings when they made decisions that would negatively affect me.  I know in general people can never truly be altruistic, but when I make decisions I always try to think about the negative consequences for others and try to find a way to avoid these consequences for them, sometimes I even try to sacrifice some of my happiness to make others happy.  Yes, I am a pleaser that is probably why I do what I tend to do.  I find a lot of people just take advantage of me, I guess it happens, I choose not to keep those people in my life, but when I do find amazing people I try to keep them close and trust them.  Sometimes life just wears on me as well and I feel blinded by everything that is happening around me and it affects my other relationships because I start feeling like I cannot even trust people around me.  I hate when I let my life blind me at times and I apologize for that.  I am just trying as hard as possible to trust people, it isn't always easy with everything that happened and is happening, but I am trying.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

What really bothers me

I try and protect my son as much as I can, who doesn't want their kid to have an awesome life?!?!  The problem is that so many people seem to reject my son and it really hurts.  I promised him when he was born that he would never feel abandoned and never feel the hurt I ever felt.  The problem is that people have been transferring feelings for me onto him and it hurts so much.  He is young and he doesn't know, but sometimes I feel like it is me and him against the world.  I have been the only constant in Loki's life and it is starting to show and it breaks my heart.  Tyler has been in and out most of his life because of military, which is fine, I signed up for that life I understood, but the problem was his true feelings for Loki came out when we were getting divorced, it was actually pretty painful to hear some of the things he said.  There were times he said he wasn't sure he loved him and that he never wants custody of him.  I know he loves him, but as a dad, I'm not sure, more so as an uncle or a caregiver.  He loves seeing him and playing with him, but at the end of the day he is done with him.  Even more recently after we moved out he never really calls to check on him and the time he sees him is getting to be less and less.  There are times even when I have asked him to watch Loki or pick him up and he backs out, so Loki is left stranded at daycare for me to struggle to find someone.  At one point I feel that Loki will lose his dad, it is the worst feeling in the world because I feel as if I am failing him.  Not only that but my mom from the get go has constantly said me having Loki was a mistake, she loves him, but it hurts when all I hear is how he is a mistake, I should have never gotten pregnant, etc.  I was married, I don't know what else you can ask for, he is a baby, I love him so much and I wouldn't change a thing, I could not imagine life without him.  I have heard other comments from individuals who just in general reject him because Tyler is his dad and they cannot stand Tyler, how can you blame an innocent baby for that.  I just don't get it, people can be so dark and mean, no wonder there is bullying everywhere, he is just a baby, I will never understand.  I am lucky in that he is still young and does not understand, but sometimes I wonder how long I can protect him from those words or that rejection, how does a boy grow up feeling rejected and unloved by people who should accept him unconditionally.  I will stay strong for him and I will always be by his side, I am his constant and I will never leave him behind or abandon him.  I am his mother, he is my baby, he is the light of my life and I just want what is best for him, I cannot give him the perfect life right now, but I am trying as hard as I can.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Believe me I am nothing special

So many people have sent me amazing messages about how I am so strong and brave.  I honestly don't really feel that way.  I am just trying to get through life like any other person would I guess.  I wish I could say that I do not have residual effects of the things that occurred in my life, but I do.  I have massive fears of abandonment, abuse, commitment and rejection. I also have a hard time trusting people and tend to shut a lot of people out.  I also had those residual effects of starving myself and cutting.  I am in no way strong or brave, I just found so many different ways to cope and compartmentalize everything that has happened to me, I have also become very tactical and calculated in how I live life.  Sometimes I just live through the motions of life like a robot, I wouldn't say I don't have any emotions, but I have very few left.  It is hard for me to love, to cry, to feel sympathy or empathy.  I sometimes feel like a horrible person, I wish I could just smile at the same things in life, find more pleasure in things in life that were ruined for me by other people, but it is hard.  Some people have also thought it is insane that I have never had a break down and really that is far from the truth, many of these events have cracked me, there are some days that I also wish I could stop working and just fall off the grid, live a simple life, escape the pain.  There are too many things here that remind me of people and events, that sometimes I want to run away, but my son and our health is what keeps me here, I honestly just want to escape the midwest, there are so many bad memories here.  I am ready to start new, but with the medical problems in mine and Loki's lives I need a support system to just make it through the week.  I honestly am just living my life like everyone around me, I have hopes and dreams, but most of them have been gone for a long time, so I could have the capacity to survive and not have to be disappointed in all the times I tried and got dragged back down by someone.  I am just happy to wake up every day and take a breath and still be here, knowing that most days will be a struggle I still do think I have a purpose to help someone, to change someone's life, who knows, all I know is what I do in life is not amazing nor brave, it is just me living life the way I think I should live it.  Am I right, am I wrong, I am not sure and I will never know, but I am going to keep keeping on.

Friday, July 27, 2012

It's never too late if you are willing to try

There are some days I feel invincible, how could I make it through so many close calls and still be here, but then I come back to reality and realize I probably have less time than most people my age.  To be honest because of this I have dove head first into all the opportunities I have been presented in life.  I don't necessarily suggest this, but at the same time I always believe if I don't put faith in things and just try that I may miss out on an amazing opportunity in my life.  Life can pass you by so quickly and I don't want to regret a second because I let my fears get in the way of experiencing life.  With the multiple health scares, accidents, being beat to an edge of life, being stabbed (oops I know I forgot to mention that one), etc. I realized that life can be gone in a split second.  In that sense I never wanted to dwell on the bad and only on the good, I wanted to keep trying, keep moving forward.  I also realize that for me what really matters is trying to make everyone feel happy.  I would never wish my bad fortunes on anyone, but I am happy to have this bad fortune if it saves someone else from feeling this way.  Most people think I am insane, but I would jump in front of a bullet for any person any day of the week, I don't undervalue my life, but I don't feel my life is worth more than anyone else, why not give another person the opportunity to continue to live life.  I may not have had the perfect life, but I have taken every opportunity, lived without regrets, put my life into others, it may seem weird, but I am happy with my life so far.  I am human, I do wish things went differently, but life is a gamble, one day either in this life or the next I will find my peace, but for now I just want to be there for everyone else, nothing makes me feel better about my life than helping other people out and making them happy. Life is a crazy ride and when it comes to an end, I can say that I continued to try and took at chance every opportunity that I got.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Sooo about that heart

Ok everyone probably thinks I am a sickly person, but I swear I am not, I just have a couple conditions!!!  I have had issues most of my life with injuries and illnesses and it never seems to end!!!  I had my first head injury when I was about five getting into a bike accident and destroying my face and skull, then in my freshman year of high school I hit my head on the diving board during diving practice, which effectively ended my diving career, I spent a lot of years through high school sick trying to figure out my lifelong GI issues, they finally settled on gastroparesis and IBS.  It sucked dealing with these issues losing too much weight because of the inability to eat and the constant medications, but I finally got it all under control in my early 20s.  After I had Loki I had some of my worst problems, in November 2011 I ended up in the ER for the first time in my life in severe pain, that led to three months in and out of hospitals in severe pain losing about five pounds a week and up to 15 medications at one point.  They eventually found that my gallbladder had died and was attaching to and suffocating my other organs, needless to say I of course got it out, unfortunately it was a little too late and I got some lasting effects that compounded upon my current conditions, I am still learning how to deal with this, but it is much better than almost starving to death!  As for currently, of course I try to go on a nice vacation last week and collapse only to find my heart has issues!  This has been a bad year for medical conditions for me, currently the status on my heart is that it can't be fixed :-( My gastroparesis is caused by a damaged vagus nerve and my heart problem is a result of this as well, there is a possibility that I will need a pacemaker, but I am currently just taking it one day at a time!  I know this is a boring post, but sometimes it is hard having all these conditions and falling in the middle of the crowd.  I look at people and I am always like I wonder what it would feel like to go a single day without feeling sick.  There is one thing that having all these issues has taught me is that life can be gone in a minute, the last time I went to the ER back in February I honestly didn't think I would get out, I was literally starving to death, I spent months ravaging my body, not eating and not drinking, I felt like a zombie and now only months later I am in the same situation with my heart, sitting in a hospital alone in the middle of nowhere with the fear that my heart may stop at any second.  It really opens your eyes as to what is important in life, every time I got out all I wanted to do was see my son, hug him and tell him how much I loved him.  It taught me that sometimes we have to take risks in life, not to be afraid to do what you want, but also don't be afraid to do what you feel is right.  Also have babies haha I know that sounds weird, but I would have nobody or nothing worth life without him, he will always love me and give me a huge smile and big hug and a wet kiss.  There are simple things in life, give all you can and love as much as possible.  What is life worth when all you do is care about yourself to me I wouldn't be whole without having people to care about and take care of.  It is so great watching people be happy, making them happy and seeing all the great things in life.  Sometimes I think people get too self absorbed in their insecurities and fears that they don't enjoy life, take risks, do something you may not be comfortable with it may end up great it may end up bad, but life is an adventure, take the good and the bad and make it an experience, make your life something worth remembering :-)

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Karma or Fate

I know this isn't keeping with my promise to explain some things in my life first, but it is something I have been thinking about this weekend.  We all think fate is something good and karma as something bad.  It is funny how things in my life seem like fate and then later turn out to be karma.  Whenever I meet someone during a bad time I always assume it is fate, that this person will be good for me or bring something great into my life, but the problem is if you are the only one who believes it then it just as easily comes to karma when the person shits on your life.  I always put so much trust in other people, but it always comes back to bite me in the ass.  I always want to believe that people are good in nature that if I always give them my all and make them happy that they will treat me with kindness as well.  In general, I find that most people just end up taking advantage of that.  I don't want to lose that aspect of me, I always want to be there for everyone every day, but time has been wearing on me.  I feel like life is trying to teach me something, like this is all just karma for being so gullible and putting so much faith in people.  I have learned something from every person that has come through my life and recently I just learned that I cannot trust someone's intentions.  People will promise you the whole world just to get something from you.  It amazes me sometimes what lengths people will go through to make me trust them or maybe I am still just too easy to trust.  I truly want to believe that people in my life will and can care about me, but most of the time I feel alone.  I felt alone through all these hard times, I felt alone while married, when I am pregnant, when I got divorced.  I guess I always thought every new person would bring me peace and simplicity in life.  I never made any drama out of any of the events in my life when people would pass out of my life or hurt me, I always let it go, I don't want that dramatic life, lingering on the bad things and exacerbating them, that is probably why most people do not know much about these events in my life.  The few friends in my life left are good people and I am so grateful for them, I know I am not even very open with them, but they make me feel like my life can be normal at times and calm.  I hope I can eventually meet more awesome friends like that, I don't want to dwell on the past or any drama currently in my life right now, I just want to be able to smile, sit back and enjoy life, I want things to slow down and to meet some real genuine individuals, not people who make me feel like I should regret all the decisions in my life.  This may not be how I ever envisioned my life, but it is my life and I still want to see my vision come true, I want a simple happy life and I will continue looking for that, someday I will get that fate and kick the feeling that every decision I make leads to bad karma.  

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Let's Start at the Beginning

You could say I had a great childhood, sometimes I even wonder how my life turned out this way.  My parents made pretty good money, we went on vacations every year, had a huge cabin with jet skis, boats and tons of fun, my parents are still happily married, so what happened.....I try to pick out little things in my childhood that made me start falling down this path, with awesome income comes sacrifices, my dad was around very little when I was young and sometimes with two siblings I felt lost in the crowd.  I have always been the odd one out in my family, the girly girl who isn't amazing at sports, fiercely independent and calculated.  Some theories are that we are born with our personalities and you have predetermined issues from the beginning, but sometimes I think those are also learned.
In general my childhood was awesome, but then I hit the horrible horrible awkward years of junior high, of course I was ridiculed like other children were and still are, but I don't know when I decided to make such a bad decision, but I decided to start dating the wrong people and that is when my life started its downward spiral.  I remember the first guy that ever ridiculed me and abused me, I was about 12 at the time, he used to say no guy would ever touch me with a ten foot pole because I was so ugly, it hurt, since he ended up getting everyone in our class to start saying it, bullying right, oh well.  The problem was that it started going beyond that I remember the day he shoved me to the ground took my hair and whipped my head against the lockers.  I have no idea how out of the few memories I have that those two stick out in my head, I am not sure if that is when I decided that I needed to be punished for my failings as a person, but that may just be digging too far.  I of course have a million theories on why these two events stick in my head, but they do.
Luckily (well not so lucky), I hit my head on the diving board during practice my freshman year of high school, which erased the majority of my memory before that point in time, so anything before 14 is basically a mystery to me.  Maybe something else happened that I do not remember that changed the direction of my life, but for now I am sticking to the story I do know.
Either way, this led into my years of high school and the slew of abusive boyfriends, to spare many details I was just highlight some off the top of my head, being told I was fat, ugly, disgusting, etc., bumps and bruises from being hit or kicked, as well as a broken nose and some broken toes from having my feet stomped on.  I really lost myself in those years, sometimes I wonder how I made it through school, I almost became numb.  I used to be so trusting and sweet and would bend over backward for everyone (in a way I still will and I still get burned, but that is for later).  During those years I watched so many people take advantage of me, losing thousands of dollars to "friends" walking around looking like a punching bag from any guy who I dated, esp if  I didn't look good enough that day, etc.  (queue in why I am so self conscious, plus that my mom likes to point out every time I gain a couple lbs and how I need to work out).  After you are beat so much you just succumb to the fact that this is life because it kept happening I shut out the world and learned how to obey.  I always felt like nothing, the ugliest girl on the planet, I could not stand being me.  That is when I turned to anorexia and cutting, all the guys I dated said I never looked pretty enough or thin enough or whatever, so my solution was just not to eat and work out constantly, luckily I never let it get too far, I did reach 110 lbs at one point and let me tell you I looked sick.  The harder part for me was the cutting, I was so used to being punished for every thing I did it was the only way for me to feel better about the pain I felt when I failed.  To this day I almost think it was just something I got conditioned to, failure meant physical punishment and harm.  I used to get yelled at for crying when guys were harsh to me and to be honest the cutting took away those tears, it taught me to be stoic at all times, no faltering, be perfect and no punishment.  I had at least 5 knives hidden in my room at any point in time, my legs looked like a battle ground (I didn't want to bring attention, so I cut on my upper legs and nowhere else on my body).  One of my friends found out about it and to be honest by college I only did it every once and a while, but I have not done it in years.
College is another dark era, much worse than anything before then, yet again it started with a boyfriend.  He was a little eccentric, but passionate about life, which is what drew me to him.  After a while I realized he didn't have a solid future so I went over to his place to break it off.  That in general was a huge mistake, he wasn't too happy, held me down, punched me, beat me and raped me.  I walked away from that in a daze, I blocked a lot of it from my mind, but by that point I thought I had hit rock bottom, it was horrible feeling.  I then went through a slew of boyfriends pretty quickly, so nervous and shaken from my last experience it was hard to get close to anyone.  The next guy I dated briefly was a gem as well, he got mad at me about something (I am not even sure what it was anymore, just something dumb and little per the usual) and lunged at me and grabbed me by the throat pushed me to the ground and started to choke me while yelling at me, I got him off of me and ran, I just kept running as far and fast as I could.
I know most people wonder at this point why I kept dating guys, to be honest I probably should have just stopped, but there has always been this small part of me that thought I would meet someone amazing and would see me for me, although I wasn't really sure who I was anymore.
Anyways that first year of college still going on as an awesome gem, about 7 months after I was raped, I was raped again by another guy.  I thought he was super nice and invited me to his room to watch a movie.  It was great and he cuddled with me and I felt great.  Then after he tried getting physical (another disclaimer, I do not have sex with guys unless we are in a committed relationship), I tried to push him off, but he got pissed and just held me down, I can't describe the state you go into when all of this is happening, your mind just disappears, it floats off in a cloud, you stare at the ceiling and pray, pray so hard. With tears running down my face he pushed me out and never talked to me again.
By this point you are also probably wondering why I never reported these things.  Personally, I always felt it was my fault, I put myself into these situations, I had to be responsible for my actions.  My other major fault is again that I care too much about other people regardless of what they have done to me, so I didn't want to ruin their lives by reporting them.  I never hated them, I should have been smarter or more angry, but I can't hate anybody like that.  I also kind of felt that maybe this was God's purpose for me in life, I take the hurt and the pain, so another person can live a happier life.  All I knew at this point was physical and emotional pain from so many people around me, I just succumbed to the fact that this was going to be my life and maybe one day I would be rewarded with what I always wanted a happy little family with a husband who loved me.
After my first year of college passed, I started to date a guy, who I was with for a large chunk of time.  In retrospect that was a horrible relationship.  At the time it felt great to me because he was the least shitty to me of all the guys I dated.  In retrospect I look back and should have left that relationship long before it was over.  He was only about sex and using me and doing things to me that at this point I don't even think I can write out.  At one point I also had a surgery that he was going to bring me home from, but all his did was make fun of me in recovery and then left before I was discharged, so I was left alone at the hospital (health is another topic for another post).
The next guy after him I dated very briefly, it ended as soon as he broke my ribs after about a month of dating.  Not much else to say there....
At the time my current ex was a good friend of mine and I basically ran to him and we decided to get married because I couldn't deal with life anymore, this dating, constantly fucking up being with the wrong people being taken advantage of.  I was broken.....to be honest I don't think I ever loved Tyler (let's be realistic you all know who he is, no need to mask his name).  We spent the majority of our relationship apart because of the military, so I got used to long distance dating, engagement and marriage.  When we were together it was good at the beginning, but I guess I never realized until later how fucked up he made me.  Things were actually great when we were dating and engaged, to be honest it felt awesome, things really changed when we got married, I honestly almost didn't do it, I almost left the church the day of the wedding, but went through it because I felt guilty about the money everyone spent on the wedding and I didn't want to let anyone down.  After we got married Tyler wanted an open marriage, I wasn't really into it, but as a pleaser and just went along with it assuming nothing was going to come of it.....was I completely wrong.  He basically went to the guys in the army and purported me to be a loose slut who would sleep with everyone.  That was a horrible existence, I had guys hitting on me constantly, guys trying to feel me up grabbing me and kissing me, it shattered my whole idea of a happy quiet marriage with children.....I got pregnant a couple months after we got married, it wasn't really planned, so I was nervous because I always wanted to go back to school and Tyler wasn't even done.....the good thing was that I thought it would slow down the harassment by his friends and unit buddies....instead something worse happened.  I worked 60 miles from home in the Sioux Falls and winter there was brutal, so the roads would be closed at time and I stayed at his friends house.  One night when I was 14 weeks pregnant I was staying there and fell asleep on the couch.  When I woke his friend was on top of me ripping off my clothes.  I kept trying to push him off, I started to cry and I was super worried about Loki because I was having a rough time with my pregnancy having some bleeding and such.  I got him off and ran into the kitchen because I couldn't leave, since there was a couple of feet of snow on the ground, which my car couldn't go through and I also had nowhere else to go.  I thought if I ran off he would get the point and leave me alone, but he didn't he followed me and grabbed me again trying to hold me down to get on me.  Again I ran to another room, but he kept following me.  He finally stopped and I went back to sleep, waking up as soon as possible leaving and never looking back.  I had a really hard time after that, who does that to someone who is pregnant and has been having issues.  I still don't understand, needless to say after that I retreated and holed up, focusing on work and my pregnancy and getting ready for Loki.  Then at 8 months Tyler tried to cheat on me, this just ended up being the start of a long downward spiral, I felt trapped financially and felt I had nowhere to go to.  I was living in a state where I didn't know anyone, my family is not accepting of divorce and weren't even on board with this pregnancy....I truly felt alone at that point.  I again just turned inward taking care of Loki, working and signing up for school to escape as much as I could.  Needless to say Tyler's pattern continued, with it coming to a head when he went to AZ for training where he paid for online sex partner sites to get laid down there, he is not very smart, since I found the charges on our bank account.....it was then that I decided I needed to get divorced, it wasn't healthy for me or Loki to be there anymore, Loki is really what pushed me to do it, I didn't do it for me, it was for him, I couldn't just lay down and die anymore I have to look out for the best interests of my child.
Ironically I met someone else, he was so nice and easy to talk to.  He was always easy to talk to and we always talked about plans for the future and our hopes and dreams.  He helped me a lot through the divorce and was always there for me.  Things seemed to align I loved him, but again that fell apart, I am not going to divulge all that information here and now, it will come out in due time, but this thing is too fresh and touchy to get out right now.  Let's just say it is a disaster continuing to be written.
As much as I wanted my life to be easy it hasn't been and it is continuing to get harder and harder, sometimes I wonder how much longer I can make it.  How much longer can I keep this up, I have pretty much given up on my dream of meeting someone wonderful, someone who can make me laugh, someone who is drama free, someone who would be ok with just sitting around every night watching movies every night.  I want a simple life, I never asked for any of this, I hate drama and I have never made any of these situations dramatic and am not public or vocal about them.  This blog may invoke drama and that is not its intention, it is for me to write down my thoughts to get them out there and try and make sense of my life and try to figure out what to do next with the current circumstances making my life ten times more difficult than it has been thus far......sometimes I wish that I didn't always push people away so that someone would reach out to me, help me, tell me when I am making a bad decision, but sometimes it is just because I am so fiercely independent and it is hard for me to accept help or even ask for it.  I don't want to look like an invalid or weak, I am strong and have continued to try and be, but sometimes I wish someone would just help me without me asking.  I don't think I am more confused about life than I am now and I am going through some really rough situations right now with Tyler trying to commit suicide and a really crazy situation with my recent ex.  I just want to go back and erase everything, but I still believe that beauty can come from some of the worst situations, maybe one day I will find that beauty more often.
I know there may be questions, but some things I will go into more in posts about these things, but feel free to ask, honesty is the best policy, I will be honest until the day I die.  I don't care if this makes anyone feel less about me, but I can't apologize for my life or the decisions I made.