Sunday, July 29, 2012

Believe me I am nothing special

So many people have sent me amazing messages about how I am so strong and brave.  I honestly don't really feel that way.  I am just trying to get through life like any other person would I guess.  I wish I could say that I do not have residual effects of the things that occurred in my life, but I do.  I have massive fears of abandonment, abuse, commitment and rejection. I also have a hard time trusting people and tend to shut a lot of people out.  I also had those residual effects of starving myself and cutting.  I am in no way strong or brave, I just found so many different ways to cope and compartmentalize everything that has happened to me, I have also become very tactical and calculated in how I live life.  Sometimes I just live through the motions of life like a robot, I wouldn't say I don't have any emotions, but I have very few left.  It is hard for me to love, to cry, to feel sympathy or empathy.  I sometimes feel like a horrible person, I wish I could just smile at the same things in life, find more pleasure in things in life that were ruined for me by other people, but it is hard.  Some people have also thought it is insane that I have never had a break down and really that is far from the truth, many of these events have cracked me, there are some days that I also wish I could stop working and just fall off the grid, live a simple life, escape the pain.  There are too many things here that remind me of people and events, that sometimes I want to run away, but my son and our health is what keeps me here, I honestly just want to escape the midwest, there are so many bad memories here.  I am ready to start new, but with the medical problems in mine and Loki's lives I need a support system to just make it through the week.  I honestly am just living my life like everyone around me, I have hopes and dreams, but most of them have been gone for a long time, so I could have the capacity to survive and not have to be disappointed in all the times I tried and got dragged back down by someone.  I am just happy to wake up every day and take a breath and still be here, knowing that most days will be a struggle I still do think I have a purpose to help someone, to change someone's life, who knows, all I know is what I do in life is not amazing nor brave, it is just me living life the way I think I should live it.  Am I right, am I wrong, I am not sure and I will never know, but I am going to keep keeping on.

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