Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Karma or Fate

I know this isn't keeping with my promise to explain some things in my life first, but it is something I have been thinking about this weekend.  We all think fate is something good and karma as something bad.  It is funny how things in my life seem like fate and then later turn out to be karma.  Whenever I meet someone during a bad time I always assume it is fate, that this person will be good for me or bring something great into my life, but the problem is if you are the only one who believes it then it just as easily comes to karma when the person shits on your life.  I always put so much trust in other people, but it always comes back to bite me in the ass.  I always want to believe that people are good in nature that if I always give them my all and make them happy that they will treat me with kindness as well.  In general, I find that most people just end up taking advantage of that.  I don't want to lose that aspect of me, I always want to be there for everyone every day, but time has been wearing on me.  I feel like life is trying to teach me something, like this is all just karma for being so gullible and putting so much faith in people.  I have learned something from every person that has come through my life and recently I just learned that I cannot trust someone's intentions.  People will promise you the whole world just to get something from you.  It amazes me sometimes what lengths people will go through to make me trust them or maybe I am still just too easy to trust.  I truly want to believe that people in my life will and can care about me, but most of the time I feel alone.  I felt alone through all these hard times, I felt alone while married, when I am pregnant, when I got divorced.  I guess I always thought every new person would bring me peace and simplicity in life.  I never made any drama out of any of the events in my life when people would pass out of my life or hurt me, I always let it go, I don't want that dramatic life, lingering on the bad things and exacerbating them, that is probably why most people do not know much about these events in my life.  The few friends in my life left are good people and I am so grateful for them, I know I am not even very open with them, but they make me feel like my life can be normal at times and calm.  I hope I can eventually meet more awesome friends like that, I don't want to dwell on the past or any drama currently in my life right now, I just want to be able to smile, sit back and enjoy life, I want things to slow down and to meet some real genuine individuals, not people who make me feel like I should regret all the decisions in my life.  This may not be how I ever envisioned my life, but it is my life and I still want to see my vision come true, I want a simple happy life and I will continue looking for that, someday I will get that fate and kick the feeling that every decision I make leads to bad karma.  

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