Sunday, July 22, 2012

Let's Start at the Beginning

You could say I had a great childhood, sometimes I even wonder how my life turned out this way.  My parents made pretty good money, we went on vacations every year, had a huge cabin with jet skis, boats and tons of fun, my parents are still happily married, so what happened.....I try to pick out little things in my childhood that made me start falling down this path, with awesome income comes sacrifices, my dad was around very little when I was young and sometimes with two siblings I felt lost in the crowd.  I have always been the odd one out in my family, the girly girl who isn't amazing at sports, fiercely independent and calculated.  Some theories are that we are born with our personalities and you have predetermined issues from the beginning, but sometimes I think those are also learned.
In general my childhood was awesome, but then I hit the horrible horrible awkward years of junior high, of course I was ridiculed like other children were and still are, but I don't know when I decided to make such a bad decision, but I decided to start dating the wrong people and that is when my life started its downward spiral.  I remember the first guy that ever ridiculed me and abused me, I was about 12 at the time, he used to say no guy would ever touch me with a ten foot pole because I was so ugly, it hurt, since he ended up getting everyone in our class to start saying it, bullying right, oh well.  The problem was that it started going beyond that I remember the day he shoved me to the ground took my hair and whipped my head against the lockers.  I have no idea how out of the few memories I have that those two stick out in my head, I am not sure if that is when I decided that I needed to be punished for my failings as a person, but that may just be digging too far.  I of course have a million theories on why these two events stick in my head, but they do.
Luckily (well not so lucky), I hit my head on the diving board during practice my freshman year of high school, which erased the majority of my memory before that point in time, so anything before 14 is basically a mystery to me.  Maybe something else happened that I do not remember that changed the direction of my life, but for now I am sticking to the story I do know.
Either way, this led into my years of high school and the slew of abusive boyfriends, to spare many details I was just highlight some off the top of my head, being told I was fat, ugly, disgusting, etc., bumps and bruises from being hit or kicked, as well as a broken nose and some broken toes from having my feet stomped on.  I really lost myself in those years, sometimes I wonder how I made it through school, I almost became numb.  I used to be so trusting and sweet and would bend over backward for everyone (in a way I still will and I still get burned, but that is for later).  During those years I watched so many people take advantage of me, losing thousands of dollars to "friends" walking around looking like a punching bag from any guy who I dated, esp if  I didn't look good enough that day, etc.  (queue in why I am so self conscious, plus that my mom likes to point out every time I gain a couple lbs and how I need to work out).  After you are beat so much you just succumb to the fact that this is life because it kept happening I shut out the world and learned how to obey.  I always felt like nothing, the ugliest girl on the planet, I could not stand being me.  That is when I turned to anorexia and cutting, all the guys I dated said I never looked pretty enough or thin enough or whatever, so my solution was just not to eat and work out constantly, luckily I never let it get too far, I did reach 110 lbs at one point and let me tell you I looked sick.  The harder part for me was the cutting, I was so used to being punished for every thing I did it was the only way for me to feel better about the pain I felt when I failed.  To this day I almost think it was just something I got conditioned to, failure meant physical punishment and harm.  I used to get yelled at for crying when guys were harsh to me and to be honest the cutting took away those tears, it taught me to be stoic at all times, no faltering, be perfect and no punishment.  I had at least 5 knives hidden in my room at any point in time, my legs looked like a battle ground (I didn't want to bring attention, so I cut on my upper legs and nowhere else on my body).  One of my friends found out about it and to be honest by college I only did it every once and a while, but I have not done it in years.
College is another dark era, much worse than anything before then, yet again it started with a boyfriend.  He was a little eccentric, but passionate about life, which is what drew me to him.  After a while I realized he didn't have a solid future so I went over to his place to break it off.  That in general was a huge mistake, he wasn't too happy, held me down, punched me, beat me and raped me.  I walked away from that in a daze, I blocked a lot of it from my mind, but by that point I thought I had hit rock bottom, it was horrible feeling.  I then went through a slew of boyfriends pretty quickly, so nervous and shaken from my last experience it was hard to get close to anyone.  The next guy I dated briefly was a gem as well, he got mad at me about something (I am not even sure what it was anymore, just something dumb and little per the usual) and lunged at me and grabbed me by the throat pushed me to the ground and started to choke me while yelling at me, I got him off of me and ran, I just kept running as far and fast as I could.
I know most people wonder at this point why I kept dating guys, to be honest I probably should have just stopped, but there has always been this small part of me that thought I would meet someone amazing and would see me for me, although I wasn't really sure who I was anymore.
Anyways that first year of college still going on as an awesome gem, about 7 months after I was raped, I was raped again by another guy.  I thought he was super nice and invited me to his room to watch a movie.  It was great and he cuddled with me and I felt great.  Then after he tried getting physical (another disclaimer, I do not have sex with guys unless we are in a committed relationship), I tried to push him off, but he got pissed and just held me down, I can't describe the state you go into when all of this is happening, your mind just disappears, it floats off in a cloud, you stare at the ceiling and pray, pray so hard. With tears running down my face he pushed me out and never talked to me again.
By this point you are also probably wondering why I never reported these things.  Personally, I always felt it was my fault, I put myself into these situations, I had to be responsible for my actions.  My other major fault is again that I care too much about other people regardless of what they have done to me, so I didn't want to ruin their lives by reporting them.  I never hated them, I should have been smarter or more angry, but I can't hate anybody like that.  I also kind of felt that maybe this was God's purpose for me in life, I take the hurt and the pain, so another person can live a happier life.  All I knew at this point was physical and emotional pain from so many people around me, I just succumbed to the fact that this was going to be my life and maybe one day I would be rewarded with what I always wanted a happy little family with a husband who loved me.
After my first year of college passed, I started to date a guy, who I was with for a large chunk of time.  In retrospect that was a horrible relationship.  At the time it felt great to me because he was the least shitty to me of all the guys I dated.  In retrospect I look back and should have left that relationship long before it was over.  He was only about sex and using me and doing things to me that at this point I don't even think I can write out.  At one point I also had a surgery that he was going to bring me home from, but all his did was make fun of me in recovery and then left before I was discharged, so I was left alone at the hospital (health is another topic for another post).
The next guy after him I dated very briefly, it ended as soon as he broke my ribs after about a month of dating.  Not much else to say there....
At the time my current ex was a good friend of mine and I basically ran to him and we decided to get married because I couldn't deal with life anymore, this dating, constantly fucking up being with the wrong people being taken advantage of.  I was be honest I don't think I ever loved Tyler (let's be realistic you all know who he is, no need to mask his name).  We spent the majority of our relationship apart because of the military, so I got used to long distance dating, engagement and marriage.  When we were together it was good at the beginning, but I guess I never realized until later how fucked up he made me.  Things were actually great when we were dating and engaged, to be honest it felt awesome, things really changed when we got married, I honestly almost didn't do it, I almost left the church the day of the wedding, but went through it because I felt guilty about the money everyone spent on the wedding and I didn't want to let anyone down.  After we got married Tyler wanted an open marriage, I wasn't really into it, but as a pleaser and just went along with it assuming nothing was going to come of it.....was I completely wrong.  He basically went to the guys in the army and purported me to be a loose slut who would sleep with everyone.  That was a horrible existence, I had guys hitting on me constantly, guys trying to feel me up grabbing me and kissing me, it shattered my whole idea of a happy quiet marriage with children.....I got pregnant a couple months after we got married, it wasn't really planned, so I was nervous because I always wanted to go back to school and Tyler wasn't even done.....the good thing was that I thought it would slow down the harassment by his friends and unit buddies....instead something worse happened.  I worked 60 miles from home in the Sioux Falls and winter there was brutal, so the roads would be closed at time and I stayed at his friends house.  One night when I was 14 weeks pregnant I was staying there and fell asleep on the couch.  When I woke his friend was on top of me ripping off my clothes.  I kept trying to push him off, I started to cry and I was super worried about Loki because I was having a rough time with my pregnancy having some bleeding and such.  I got him off and ran into the kitchen because I couldn't leave, since there was a couple of feet of snow on the ground, which my car couldn't go through and I also had nowhere else to go.  I thought if I ran off he would get the point and leave me alone, but he didn't he followed me and grabbed me again trying to hold me down to get on me.  Again I ran to another room, but he kept following me.  He finally stopped and I went back to sleep, waking up as soon as possible leaving and never looking back.  I had a really hard time after that, who does that to someone who is pregnant and has been having issues.  I still don't understand, needless to say after that I retreated and holed up, focusing on work and my pregnancy and getting ready for Loki.  Then at 8 months Tyler tried to cheat on me, this just ended up being the start of a long downward spiral, I felt trapped financially and felt I had nowhere to go to.  I was living in a state where I didn't know anyone, my family is not accepting of divorce and weren't even on board with this pregnancy....I truly felt alone at that point.  I again just turned inward taking care of Loki, working and signing up for school to escape as much as I could.  Needless to say Tyler's pattern continued, with it coming to a head when he went to AZ for training where he paid for online sex partner sites to get laid down there, he is not very smart, since I found the charges on our bank was then that I decided I needed to get divorced, it wasn't healthy for me or Loki to be there anymore, Loki is really what pushed me to do it, I didn't do it for me, it was for him, I couldn't just lay down and die anymore I have to look out for the best interests of my child.
Ironically I met someone else, he was so nice and easy to talk to.  He was always easy to talk to and we always talked about plans for the future and our hopes and dreams.  He helped me a lot through the divorce and was always there for me.  Things seemed to align I loved him, but again that fell apart, I am not going to divulge all that information here and now, it will come out in due time, but this thing is too fresh and touchy to get out right now.  Let's just say it is a disaster continuing to be written.
As much as I wanted my life to be easy it hasn't been and it is continuing to get harder and harder, sometimes I wonder how much longer I can make it.  How much longer can I keep this up, I have pretty much given up on my dream of meeting someone wonderful, someone who can make me laugh, someone who is drama free, someone who would be ok with just sitting around every night watching movies every night.  I want a simple life, I never asked for any of this, I hate drama and I have never made any of these situations dramatic and am not public or vocal about them.  This blog may invoke drama and that is not its intention, it is for me to write down my thoughts to get them out there and try and make sense of my life and try to figure out what to do next with the current circumstances making my life ten times more difficult than it has been thus far......sometimes I wish that I didn't always push people away so that someone would reach out to me, help me, tell me when I am making a bad decision, but sometimes it is just because I am so fiercely independent and it is hard for me to accept help or even ask for it.  I don't want to look like an invalid or weak, I am strong and have continued to try and be, but sometimes I wish someone would just help me without me asking.  I don't think I am more confused about life than I am now and I am going through some really rough situations right now with Tyler trying to commit suicide and a really crazy situation with my recent ex.  I just want to go back and erase everything, but I still believe that beauty can come from some of the worst situations, maybe one day I will find that beauty more often.
I know there may be questions, but some things I will go into more in posts about these things, but feel free to ask, honesty is the best policy, I will be honest until the day I die.  I don't care if this makes anyone feel less about me, but I can't apologize for my life or the decisions I made.

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