Tuesday, July 31, 2012

What really bothers me

I try and protect my son as much as I can, who doesn't want their kid to have an awesome life?!?!  The problem is that so many people seem to reject my son and it really hurts.  I promised him when he was born that he would never feel abandoned and never feel the hurt I ever felt.  The problem is that people have been transferring feelings for me onto him and it hurts so much.  He is young and he doesn't know, but sometimes I feel like it is me and him against the world.  I have been the only constant in Loki's life and it is starting to show and it breaks my heart.  Tyler has been in and out most of his life because of military, which is fine, I signed up for that life I understood, but the problem was his true feelings for Loki came out when we were getting divorced, it was actually pretty painful to hear some of the things he said.  There were times he said he wasn't sure he loved him and that he never wants custody of him.  I know he loves him, but as a dad, I'm not sure, more so as an uncle or a caregiver.  He loves seeing him and playing with him, but at the end of the day he is done with him.  Even more recently after we moved out he never really calls to check on him and the time he sees him is getting to be less and less.  There are times even when I have asked him to watch Loki or pick him up and he backs out, so Loki is left stranded at daycare for me to struggle to find someone.  At one point I feel that Loki will lose his dad, it is the worst feeling in the world because I feel as if I am failing him.  Not only that but my mom from the get go has constantly said me having Loki was a mistake, she loves him, but it hurts when all I hear is how he is a mistake, I should have never gotten pregnant, etc.  I was married, I don't know what else you can ask for, he is a baby, I love him so much and I wouldn't change a thing, I could not imagine life without him.  I have heard other comments from individuals who just in general reject him because Tyler is his dad and they cannot stand Tyler, how can you blame an innocent baby for that.  I just don't get it, people can be so dark and mean, no wonder there is bullying everywhere, he is just a baby, I will never understand.  I am lucky in that he is still young and does not understand, but sometimes I wonder how long I can protect him from those words or that rejection, how does a boy grow up feeling rejected and unloved by people who should accept him unconditionally.  I will stay strong for him and I will always be by his side, I am his constant and I will never leave him behind or abandon him.  I am his mother, he is my baby, he is the light of my life and I just want what is best for him, I cannot give him the perfect life right now, but I am trying as hard as I can.

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